Several Steps Forward

At the beginning of the month, the 3rd to be exact, I went in for surgery, removing the tissue expander that has held a form to my breast, a spot for a future implant, and then my implant.  The surgery was easy, as my doctor told me that it would be, was off pain med w/i 24 hours, went to church (hated to miss my first class of the year with my new Primary class), and this after a Thursday surgery.  The actual surgery, per the postop nurse, was one hour, so yes there was some delicate work.

I got to shower Sunday morning (yes, felt so good), but have to be honest that I cried when I took off that surgical bra and took away the compressive dressings.  Note:  The actual incision site looked great, no bleeding on the dressings.  However, I was thinking I would have a more normal-looking breast, when in fact it is very distorted, more horizontal across my breast area.  The implant has taken the shape of the tissue expander, which became very distorted during radiation.  I know that the doctor released some scar tissue because of the radiation distortion, but I was truly what???

Is this all I get?  It's so small (and yes, I do understand that I lost skin during the initial surgery and there is only so much skin that can be stretched), but still it was a SHOCK. 

and then I looked in the mirror and saw this mess of new hair, its grayness (although my son tells me that he's sure it's turning more dark as time goes on) its manliness style, its sticking straight out in spots because of my cowlicks over my head. 

I felt ugly, truly ugly, and I cried.  Rafael told me that I could stay home, probably even urged me to stay home, from church, but I told him that I would dry my tears, probably realized that I needed to get out of my house and be around others to forget my woes. 

I'm coming to terms with my new self, but am struggling with image issues. 

My eyelashes seem to have grown back partially, but have stalled.  Why?  Will I always have stunted lashes?  Will I ever get my previous lashes back, the ones that I never previously complained about?

Must count blessings.

Must count blessing.

Okay, here's a blessing, and a very BIG blessing.  I haven't actually told my family yet, waiting for the right time.  Didn't want to say previously, as I felt I might jinx myself, but did tell Victor in a letter....

Drum roll.

My neuropathy is lifting............YES!!

The same night as the surgery where my incisional pain was controlled, actually I felt like I needed only OTCs...

well I had one of those hard nights with foot pain, well actually up into my shin region...kept me awake during most of the night.  I took hours earlier half of a Norco, so 5 mg, which kept the big pain down, but still burning pain.  I pulled out the massage machine from under the bed, which R gave me for Christmas, and must have used that on the heated control for a good half hour as I read.  I was expecting the burning pain to return post massage, but it actually felt much better. 

Prior to bringing out the machine, I was in tears, crying, why me?  blah, blah, blah.  I have been praying every day for improved health, a constant prayer. 

Anyway, that night I really pleaded that this neuropathy might be improved...I can live with the numbness and tingling/pins and needles sensation if need be, but please take away the debilitating pain.  I stated scripture that if I asked with a sincere heart that my prayer would be heard and answered, but I ended as thy will be done.  I also stated that I am truly trying to live a life that would warrant my being able to ask for blessings.

The next night I did not have burning pain and had no need for a nightly Norco dose. 

(Note:  I have gone to bed so many nights hopeful, but then end up getting up because of not being able to calm the nerves sufficiently to sleep, and the Norco takes a good 40 minutes to really kick in, so I don't get to sleep early enough, then am sooo tired the next day, that I had just given up hope and simply have taken a half-dose Norco each night when I shower and prepare for bed. 

Anyway, the next night was the same, no pain med.

I was amazed.  It was like not two steps forward, but a dozen. 

I have since had a couple steps back, some discomfort at night, have needed to resort back to Norco, but the pain is lessened.  My prayer has been answered and after over five months of this nerve damage, those nerves are starting to regenerate.  They may never go back to their former state.  However, I think that I could live with where I am right now, if need be.  I was to the point where the cold weather was creating a constant ache.  You would think that the numbness would block out cold discomfort, but it's quite the opposite.  Temperature extremes cause pain.  I would sit at my computer desk with the hot pad on the floor at a low temp to ease the ache.  I no longer need to do that.  Yes, there is still minor discomfort during the day while sitting here in this frigid 0-degree weather (yes zero is correct today), but not the constant ache that the cold brought on. 

Oh, another blessing.

Last Friday I went in to see the plastic surgeon for a one-week followup.  He had concern on his face.  How long have you had this redness surrounding your incision?  Me:  I didn't know that it was red/irritated.  I showered last night and really didn't notice anything, but perhaps have not paid as much attention to the site as I should have?  Did not look at it today.

I had finished one antibiotic and was still taking a second prescribed at surgery.  He placed me Levaquin (a much stronger med).  By Friday afternoon I was experiencing some discomfort at the incision site, some swelling, enough that I had discomfort wearing my bra, such as it is, and had to take it off.  By Saturday, all felt well again, so that add'l med seems to be working.  There is still some redness, but greatly decreased.  This is good, because an infection would mean the loss of the implant, meaning surgery to remove and perhaps damage to the remaining skin I still retain.