Ewww, yuck.

 

In both Africa and South America, large army ants are used as surgical sutures. The wound is pulled together, and the ant grabs the edges of the wound with its mandible. Then, the body is cut off from the head of the ant. The head stays attached to the wound as a suture until the wound is healed. This gives me the shivers but look how nice that stitch is.

 

Okay, just saw this on Pinterest under History and was a little freaked out.  However, I cannot discount Mother Nature.  SO THANKFUL that I do not live in some rural village.

 

Just recently I had my last surgery, an optional one, but one I nevertheless chose to have done before the end of the year while insurance would cover.  In short, my "reconstructed" breast is half the size of my good side due to heavy skin loss.  That plus Mother Nature means that my good side is much larger (not that I had that much initially) and hangs MUCH lower, so a trip to the ER under the fancy work of my plastic surgeon has helped to bring about more symmetry.  

 

I also had my port (for venous access, more commonly called a Port-a-Cath) removed at the same time.  Therefore, I feel done, finished, capito!!

 

Why did I have the port removed when previously I declared that I would keep it in until I reached my 5-year mark?  Well, a week before surgery I happened to be in the cancer center getting a routine port flush when it dawned on me, duh, that starting January 1 I would be financially responsible for port maintenance for over three years, not to mention the cost to get the port removed.  I came home and dug out the medical records, took one look at that port insertion cost and decided my pocket had not enough pennies to keep in my much beloved port...yes, you heard right.  I have come to truly love that port, so easy to gain venous access, no need to fish around the arm for a vein.

 

But alas, I had my port accessed one last time in the OR to get me out and then the IV was changed to my arm.  Two hours later (felt like two seconds), I awoke in postop and soon thereafter went home. 

 

A few days later I got to take my first shower and was shocked by the gruesome picture, lots of bruising not to mention the cut lines.  Had to take a few deep breaths.  Even though the lines were drawn on preop, it was still a bit of a shock to see the handiwork in the mirror, so many suture lines.  Even my nipple had been removed and then stitched back in at a higher location.  I also had tissue removed, in other words a reduction.

 

have to admit that I do feel more balanced now.

 

When I returned the day before Thanksgiving to get my drain removed, I asked the surgeon how many stitches (thinking perhaps 50) and his answer was "a good hundred." 

It's Definitely Spring

After many months of no posts (where does the time fly?), it's time to get the fingers flying again, and I definitely need to write about all facets of my life, not just the big C.

So, I'm loving this time of year, the cool temperatures (not really a fan of hot summer months).  The birds are singing and the tulips and daffodils are long gone.  The grass is getting dry, and so sprinklers have been turned on this week. 

Tony is back to work as of a couple weeks ago.  There was a big, really BIG, earthen slide at Kennecott last month, which shut the mine down for a couple weeks.  Once MSHA gave the okay, DMC began inspections to verify operability.  Tony was called back, much to his relief, well to everyone's relief (I think he enjoyed about the first three days off and then realized how boring life is w/o a job, not to mention the money).  Fortunately, DMC is back to work, but cannot say the same for Kennecott workers, who are being laid off, as production is expected to be about 50%.  I have kept some paper clippings and if I actually get ambitious might put them into some type of scrapbook page for Tony. 

Victor is doing great, is very happy, just got transferred back to Bloomington, where he spent his first six months.  He loved it there and was thrilled (his excitement was jumping out of his email) to be back.  He is with his MTC companion for six weeks (which is dragging him down a bit, as evidently this elder is not shall we say as motivated to work), and then will receive one of two incoming elders (but 16 incoming sisters, yeah!!) to train for the remaining 12 weeks of his mission.  This will be his third time training. 

Jared is closing out his school year, is working hard, has an AP test upcoming that is stressing him a bit.  He has enjoyed going to two school dances in the last couple months, girls' choice and Prom, both with lovely girls.  He was just called this past Sunday to be the first assistant in the Priests Quorum, so that will keep him busy.  The quorum is huge, which gives me great delight.  It has been fun to watch this age group reach this point. 

Rafael has been working all the hours that he can when the opportunity arises, as TOSH got a 5% across-the-board pay cut this year, that in addition to no raise in like forever...ugh.  His good friend, Kerry, passed away unexpectedly.  It made him really sad.  I could see how deeply affected he was.  We attended Kerry's celebration of life last Friday.  It was held in an outdoor setting in the beautiful Heber valley, was very party like with live music, food, booze, open mike. 

Me?  Well, work has been very slow.  My account, Illinois Bone and Joint, that I've worked for the last couple years, and have LOVED, went to India a couple months ago.  Yes, again another account off shore.  After a bit, I started with a new account, Pioneer Health Systems (same company, Keystrokes out of Chicago) based in Mississippi.  These are rural offices, and quite honestly I don't like the platform, ChartNet, where we do straight type for a month or so and then the computer switches to editing of voice recognition (which means I spend almost as much time editing as if I were typing, for half the line rate).  We started with two of the seven facilities, have increased to three, with the full load by mid July.  Quite honestly, I'm sure that the lines have even gone down since the third location came online. 

My previous supervisor emailed that a new behavioral account was opening, but only with two doctors at first (wanting to test the water) and asked if anyone was interested.  I definitely was.  Turns out 30 of us responded, but she could only take two to start.  I did not make the cut, unfortunately.  Hope that something soon opens up, as I am hardly making enough in a pay period to fill a tank of gas or two.  Ugh. 

I am pretty much where I was a couple months ago regarding my health.  I still have the neuropathy in my feet, and at this point I wonder if I will not have it permanently.  Ugh.  I am not sleeping well, so I seem to always be tired.  The little white pill I take daily (the hormone suppressant) has side effects of insomnia and anxiety (which have definitely hit me) in addition to the joint stiffness, not to mention the hot flashes throughout the night because of the hormone suppression.  I have tried so many options to help me sleep.  I went the route of valerian (an herb to supposedly help sleeping problems).  I used the tincture and it smelled and tasted awful!!!  But I kept it up for a couple weeks, but quite honestly didn't see much effect.  I tried ZZZQuil, and it helped some, but not enough, so switched over to NyQuil.  It definitely helps, but after a couple weeks of using it nightly, decided that I needed to not depend on it, so stopped using it, hence more restless nights.

I decided the other night that I could go w/o the nightly half of a Norco.  I made myself some passion fruit tea (another natural remedy to supposedly help w/sleep...we were in Cali and Tia Mary grows it in her yard so I brought home a stash of leaves to dry).  The tea is palpable with lots of honey.  Can't say that it helped that much with helping me to get to sleep or stay asleep (I've used it now a couple nights, a full tablespoon of crushed leaves, per the internet), but it does seem to help with the anxiety.  Anyway, I finally got up at 11 p.m. and took half of a Norco, as my feet were fiercely burning with sharp little pricks of instant pain in the toes.  It takes usually an hour for the Norco to calm my body sufficiently to allow me to sleep.  I hate being on this medication, but it is the only thing that is working w/my chemo-induced neuropathy.  I am usually the first one to go to bed, but generally the last to actually go to sleep.  I sleep poorly and am frequently very tired during the day. 

I was planning to attend RS meeting the other night (a humanitarian project of making lunches for the homeless shelter) and was going to take my nonmember neighbor, but was soooo tired that I had to back out.  I frequently am tired at night and find myself passing up any signups that obligate me, as I never know if I will have the energy.

I was so tired the other morning that when Jared came to me for a ride, I was still in bed and told him to take the car (didn't even get up and fix him a lunch).  Yesterday morning I did take him to school and drove to Daybreak and walked.  I feel that if I walk each day, that exercise will contribute to better sleep.  I forced myself to walk this morning, but body wasn't cooperative...walked slowly and only did half the circuit. 

Well, I finished a bit ago my four-hour shift, but there was not one report to type.  Ugh.

I did spend some time, though, making some little flash cards for my Italian self-study course. 

I made my mom a homemade card this morning and got that plus some really good chocolate from the Chocolate Factory in the mail to her.  She and my dad were here over the weekend (just got back from Arizona and she had a doctor's appt. Monday).  It was good to see them, plus Nathan and family came for Sunday dinner. 

Nathan just got back from a deployment in Korea.  He had a seizure on the plane, but right now is doing okay.  However, he is on seizure restrictions, which means that he cannot drive, etc.  At the end of the month he should have more info regarding his condition.  It is possible that he may be ousted from the military because of this seizure. 

Well, I am going to head into the kitchen and boil some eggs.  I plan on having a salad bar for dinner, plus there's some homemade chicken soup to supplement my is-that-all-we're-eating-for-dinner? guys. 

Happy Birthday to Me

It's my 1-year-old birthday, or celebration of one year of being cancer free.  I'm tired and don't feel like writing any more, but suffice it to say that I have a smile on my face. 

January is in the Rearview Mirror

Sitting at my desk clearing off papers, updating Victor's missionary blog and I see that I last made a post a month ago.

So, an update on my walk w/cancer.  Well, I've been realizing some one-year anniversaries of when I found the lump, when I first heard the word "cancer" from a radiologist...and tomorrow, Valentine's Day, when Rafael and I went to meet with my surgeon.

He's a great doctor and I do not fault him in any way, but he was the one who broke the news to me that I would be getting the "full treatment."  Ah, that hated word of chemo. 

Needless to say, that Valentine's Day was not one of the best.  We had the last appt. of the day.  R wanted to use one of his Christmas gift cards to Red Rocks close to the hospital...after all it was the Day of Love and we should eat out, right??  Well, my soul was deflated, but I put on a smile and tried my best. 

I had so many words floating through my brain as we sat and I looked at the surroundings...words like cancer, chemo, radiation, cancer, cancer, surgery, cancer, chemo, surgery, chemo, chemo, surgery, chemo, chemo....

I was fighting the tears.  I remember Rafael saying something like hang on, be tough, you can do this....  I felt more like he would be embarrassed if I fell apart there in a public setting.  I know that he cares about me, truly I do, but I wish he would have left money on table, walked me out and let me have the cry that I so desperately was fighting back. 

Men and women handle crises very differently.  Men are like buck up.  Women are like let it go.

So many nights in the quiet of the night I allow myself those tears.

So glad that the ugly month of January has passed, the month where the sun rarely shone due to the imfamous "inversion."  Per the record book, this past January was the worst for not seeing the sun in 16 years (three weeks of grayness), the snowiest month in over a decade (that's good 'cause we could always use the water), the coldest when calculating the average day temperature in nearly 60 years.  Wow, what a month.

I celebrated another birthday in January, woke up and truly felt joy that I was celebrating being around rather than, geeze another birthday, yeah (major sarcasm).  No, truly I felt joy, gladness to be around.

I struggled with depression during January, kept so much of it inside....

I think the grayness of the month didn't help.

I am very depressed about the reconstructed breast.  What was I thinking, that I would have a breast that looked and felt like my good breast?  Didn't happen.  On the last followup with the plastic surgeon, well actually the PA this time, I'm told that when I decide to do surgery on the good breast to help with the symmetry problem I have--one small firm breast, albeit distorted in shape, and one naturally droopy breast--that I can have the good breast reduced to better match the size.  Yup, just what I want to do is decrease my not-so-large-to-begin breast...dang.

Saw a podiatrist about the big toe destruction from the chemo.  I was prep'd to have her remove the remaining toenails so that they could grow back, but it looks like I will be having them removed permanently.  That pretty much takes away the fun of wearing flip-flops when you don't have a toe nail to paint...dang.

I had bronchitis for two weeks during January, so had to cancel my appt. to get my gray manly butch colored, so still living with the ugly gray...dang.

The joint soreness from the hormonal suppression, that stupid tiny white pill I take every morning, was horrible during January, the worst since initiation, perhaps because of the illness virus in my body?  My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my shoulders hurt, my fingers were stiff and hurt, my pelvic bones hurt, every joint hurt to the point where I thought I may have to consider stopping the pill if it got any worse...how can I tolerate this every day kind of hurt.  I felt like I was a 95-year-old woman.  I could hardly get up from a chair, especially if I sat for a while.  I was sooo stiff, needed a step or two to work out the stiffness.  Dang.

Getting over the cold seemed to ease up the joint pain quite a bit.  The soreness is now to a tolerable level.  Oncologist reminded last week that this, too, will go away, just give it a couple years. 

Oh yes, can't forget to mention that my Illinois Bone & Joint Institute account based out of Chicago, the account that I've had for the past couple years, the account that I really like, that account that allows me to work as I chose as long as I turn the reports in time, the account has good dictators, at least the docs in my queue (big account, lots of transcriptionists), that has worked really well for me, well it, too, is going overseas to India at the end of March...dang!!!!!!!

Good bye and good riddance January.

Several Steps Forward

At the beginning of the month, the 3rd to be exact, I went in for surgery, removing the tissue expander that has held a form to my breast, a spot for a future implant, and then my implant.  The surgery was easy, as my doctor told me that it would be, was off pain med w/i 24 hours, went to church (hated to miss my first class of the year with my new Primary class), and this after a Thursday surgery.  The actual surgery, per the postop nurse, was one hour, so yes there was some delicate work.

I got to shower Sunday morning (yes, felt so good), but have to be honest that I cried when I took off that surgical bra and took away the compressive dressings.  Note:  The actual incision site looked great, no bleeding on the dressings.  However, I was thinking I would have a more normal-looking breast, when in fact it is very distorted, more horizontal across my breast area.  The implant has taken the shape of the tissue expander, which became very distorted during radiation.  I know that the doctor released some scar tissue because of the radiation distortion, but I was truly what???

Is this all I get?  It's so small (and yes, I do understand that I lost skin during the initial surgery and there is only so much skin that can be stretched), but still it was a SHOCK. 

and then I looked in the mirror and saw this mess of new hair, its grayness (although my son tells me that he's sure it's turning more dark as time goes on) its manliness style, its sticking straight out in spots because of my cowlicks over my head. 

I felt ugly, truly ugly, and I cried.  Rafael told me that I could stay home, probably even urged me to stay home, from church, but I told him that I would dry my tears, probably realized that I needed to get out of my house and be around others to forget my woes. 

I'm coming to terms with my new self, but am struggling with image issues. 

My eyelashes seem to have grown back partially, but have stalled.  Why?  Will I always have stunted lashes?  Will I ever get my previous lashes back, the ones that I never previously complained about?

Must count blessings.

Must count blessing.

Okay, here's a blessing, and a very BIG blessing.  I haven't actually told my family yet, waiting for the right time.  Didn't want to say previously, as I felt I might jinx myself, but did tell Victor in a letter....

Drum roll.

My neuropathy is lifting............YES!!

The same night as the surgery where my incisional pain was controlled, actually I felt like I needed only OTCs...

well I had one of those hard nights with foot pain, well actually up into my shin region...kept me awake during most of the night.  I took hours earlier half of a Norco, so 5 mg, which kept the big pain down, but still burning pain.  I pulled out the massage machine from under the bed, which R gave me for Christmas, and must have used that on the heated control for a good half hour as I read.  I was expecting the burning pain to return post massage, but it actually felt much better. 

Prior to bringing out the machine, I was in tears, crying, why me?  blah, blah, blah.  I have been praying every day for improved health, a constant prayer. 

Anyway, that night I really pleaded that this neuropathy might be improved...I can live with the numbness and tingling/pins and needles sensation if need be, but please take away the debilitating pain.  I stated scripture that if I asked with a sincere heart that my prayer would be heard and answered, but I ended as thy will be done.  I also stated that I am truly trying to live a life that would warrant my being able to ask for blessings.

The next night I did not have burning pain and had no need for a nightly Norco dose. 

(Note:  I have gone to bed so many nights hopeful, but then end up getting up because of not being able to calm the nerves sufficiently to sleep, and the Norco takes a good 40 minutes to really kick in, so I don't get to sleep early enough, then am sooo tired the next day, that I had just given up hope and simply have taken a half-dose Norco each night when I shower and prepare for bed. 

Anyway, the next night was the same, no pain med.

I was amazed.  It was like not two steps forward, but a dozen. 

I have since had a couple steps back, some discomfort at night, have needed to resort back to Norco, but the pain is lessened.  My prayer has been answered and after over five months of this nerve damage, those nerves are starting to regenerate.  They may never go back to their former state.  However, I think that I could live with where I am right now, if need be.  I was to the point where the cold weather was creating a constant ache.  You would think that the numbness would block out cold discomfort, but it's quite the opposite.  Temperature extremes cause pain.  I would sit at my computer desk with the hot pad on the floor at a low temp to ease the ache.  I no longer need to do that.  Yes, there is still minor discomfort during the day while sitting here in this frigid 0-degree weather (yes zero is correct today), but not the constant ache that the cold brought on. 

Oh, another blessing.

Last Friday I went in to see the plastic surgeon for a one-week followup.  He had concern on his face.  How long have you had this redness surrounding your incision?  Me:  I didn't know that it was red/irritated.  I showered last night and really didn't notice anything, but perhaps have not paid as much attention to the site as I should have?  Did not look at it today.

I had finished one antibiotic and was still taking a second prescribed at surgery.  He placed me Levaquin (a much stronger med).  By Friday afternoon I was experiencing some discomfort at the incision site, some swelling, enough that I had discomfort wearing my bra, such as it is, and had to take it off.  By Saturday, all felt well again, so that add'l med seems to be working.  There is still some redness, but greatly decreased.  This is good, because an infection would mean the loss of the implant, meaning surgery to remove and perhaps damage to the remaining skin I still retain.