One Step Forward, Two Back

Okay, in all honesty I'm having a whiny weekend, one of those downer times that we all have occasionally.  Some would classify it as having the blues, or perhaps being a bit depressed.  For we women, or at least for me, it's the tear ducts easily spilling forth. 

I don't know exactly what started this crash off, other than a few days ago I noticed that the hair on my legs (yes, I've been rather lazy in shaving of late, got accustomed for many months of having no hair growth whatsoever, and now that it's winter and long pants' season, well...)

anyway, the hair growth stops where the top of my pull-up socks would start. 

Interesting, thought I.  This is the area of my lower legs/feet where I have the nerve damage.  Interesting that there is little, to no, hair growth there where before there was. 

This is visual confirmation of what is happening down below.  My feet look normal, but they are hurting 24/7.  I have to take medication (gabapentin) around the clock to control the pain, which for the most part during the day works.  I'm functional and no one looking at me would know of my problem.  However, at night the pain is more noticeable to me.  I have to take narcotic pain medication to sleep at night.  Friday night, after a long day, and being tired, I awoke in the middle of the night because of the burn.  Not an excruciating pain by any means, but enough discomfort to keep me awake for a couple hours.  I knew that what I had taken earlier had worn off, and I absolutely refuse to take anything other than a bit to allow me get to dreamland. 

I was in tears, not because of the discomfort, but because I am discouraged.  Why?  I have gone through the awfulness of chemo and now I have this residual chronic pain syndrome because of the chemo drugs.  Why was I one of the "lucky" ones to have nerve damage? 

I read on the internet that as much as 15-40% (depending on which site is referenced) of cancer patients experience some level of nerve damage.

That's actually a lot, in my book of thinking.

Why, does it not lift by now? 

Will it refuse to lift in the future?

Is this my future?  Chronic pain? 

I've been fighting the tears for a couple days.  My guys are oblivious of this latest struggle because I hide it, well Jared who is the most sensitive, picks up on it, but the others....

I feel like I should be back to normal, and I think that they expect me to be back to normal.  I'm not there.  I may never be there.  This cancer struggle keeps on...

I was at church today and one of the good sisters gave me a hug post sacrament meeting.  The two of us never did make it to SS.  We talked, cried, cried some more.  I think I needed her to myself today.  She understands, not that she has been through cancer (well, her sister has of recent), but she has chronic pain.  I'm grateful that she was there for me today. 

As I told my friend, I will pull myself up and climb out of my blueness abyss.

I need to count my blessings more, and they are many, truly.