Dang Feet...If I Didn't Need Them I'd Cut Them Off

At the beginning of chemo I had some pretty intense bone pain (the chemo drugs) and so I was given a narcotic to ease the pain.  I have continued for the majority of the nights needing that lovely pill to be able to sleep, to comfort the legs.  After the last round almost six weeks ago, I figured that this pain would go away as the chemo drugs become diminished in my system.  A couple weeks ago the discomfort in my lower legs, particularly the burning in the bottom of the feet (paresthesias) elevated and I truly had trouble sleeping.  Dang, dang.  I was down to just a small amount of pills.  When I went in for my last Herceptin infusion (almost three weeks), this was the first time that I did not see a medical provider, so didn't have a chance to chat, but then figured that the paresthesias would be lifting really soon, as they had always lifted within a couple weeks, three at the most, post chemo drugs.  The paresthesias in my hands (mild numbness, not painful) are still with me today and the burning in my feet never goes away, seems to escalate during the day as I'm active, so by night again it's hard to sleep.  Finally, last week I had run out of pills and out of patience (called being sleep deprived) and called the Cancer Center, had a chat with one of the PAs, and it appears that I may have chemotherapy-induced neuropathy in my feet/lower legs.  This is not good, as it may never go away.  I was given some more pain medication and a new drug called gabapentin to get me through until I can see my oncologist this Friday.

I looked up gabapentin, and it is given to people who have seizures, to people who have pain caused by shingles, and to people who have neuropathy (like diabetic neuropathy, or in my case, chemotherapy-induced neuropathy).  It's suppsoed to block those nerve endings from communicating with the brain?  or something like that.  As long as I have my gabapentin at night and a pain pill, well I sleep wonderfully, but that has me worried.  Could I just not have the neuropathy and do away with the medication?  That would be my wish.

I'm totally deconditioned--called months of not doing anything...well if healing and dealing with chemo count as "not anything," and so yesterday decided that it's time to start walking, so I put on my socks and laced up loosely my walking shoes.  Didn't get very far, but it's a start.  The whole time walking my feet hurt (the torture of being inside shoes), the pins and needles of paresthesias/neuropathy.  The walk was doable, but not comfortable.  Went again this morning, traveled a bit farther, but again not comfortable. 

I HATE CANCER!!!

Being Honest

 Here are some pictures taken three weeks ago.  Here is what is known as "steroid facies" meaning a round, puffy face because I was on steroids, oral, for several days each round, plus had a steroid drip at chemo.  This picture was taken the Sunday morning (two days post) after my last chemo session.  I look like my dad (which unfortunately isn't very complimentary...sorry dad, but he doesn't read by my blog, thank goodness).  I have a few hairs on top that never did fall.  No wonder when the Priests came over a couple weeks ago because I didn't feel well enough to go to church and I didn't have on any make-up or wig.  They were very kind and didn't say anything, but boy did their eyes get big when they saw me.  I kind of gasp, too, when I see myself in the mirror.  I have such a long list of makeovers when I get to Heaven that I will need to wear a name tag, as no one will recognize me.

 Here I am with my wig on ready to go to church. 

 Oh, and here are my nails that look like they've been smashed in the door, and that was three weeks ago.  I should take a picture of them now.  They're much worse.  In the interim, I got an infection and have since been on an antibiotic and Bacitracin soak because of the nails.  Now my toenails are affected.  I have been warned that I may lose my anils.  Oh well, seeing as I've lost a breast and my hair, what are a few more body parts?...except that they're really quite tender. 

And here I am at the infusion center getting my port accessed for treatment.  I have a plastic appartus that has been sutured just under my skin with some tubing that runs to my jugular vein.  This port eliminates the need to have an IV placed in my arm, and quite honestly I like the port.  It's so much better than having to fish around for a vein, and I've been told that the Taxol (one of those "BAD" drugs) has pretty much destroyed my arm veins, so thank goodness for the port. 

Okay, these were some honest pictures of me.  Ugh.  I hate the Nelson baggy eyes, which have been extra baggy of late because of the fact that it's so hard to stay hydrated when I don't feel like drinking water.  I need plastic surgery!!!!!